TITLE: No one ever got promoted for saying 'no.'
Written with a friend through emails
AD AGENCY LIFE
Ambient office noise; Phones ringing, small talk overheard in the background.
Slowly the camera pans the agency, our character answers a phone call after receiving an email from one of their (male or female, director to decide) clients. Obviously confused after reading the email, noticeably concerned when the caller ID reveals it's the same client calling, seconds after the email was sent.
YesPerson:Hello, this is YesPerson.
Client:Hi, get a chance to read my email?
Client:Good, here's what we need–
YesPerson:Well, I'm not sure we can–
Client:What–I sent you an email about this–
YesPerson:yes, one minu-
Client:( rapid-fire dialouge )Nevermind– we just got a deal on this space in "SellShit," full-page, inside back cover–and get this, we're not even paying for it! I managed to get 23 Partners involved, the cost is padded and we still have space for our message.
Camera cuts to YesPerson- obviously confused, YesPerson manages a glance at the existing media plan as well as the traffic report for that day.
(brief pause with the camera, hand-held effect, a little jitter)
Shot of piss trickling down YesPerson's legs, close-up of a single drip)
As pee is tricking down the leg of YesPerson, YesBoss appears in doorway, hands in the air, eyes moving wildly. You can tell by the looseness of the tie, he means business.
YesBoss:I don't know what is going on or what we got in the pipe but I just got off the phone with F-ingClient and he is telling me about this huge opportunity and we need to get our ducks in a row or we are going to miss it! And I am not about to tell a client we missed something.
YesPerson: ...but this opportunity may not be the best-
YesBoss:-Listen, the exclamation point on his email was red....R-E-D! And Client and I have an understanding that only a red exclamation point will be used if it is a can't miss opportunity.
YesPerson:Okay, but I am not sure what the publication is?
YesBoss:Ask MediaLacky to do a POV on it for G-d's sake...they have time.
YesPerson:But space closes in 5 minutes
YesBoss:(Walking away) I don't want excuses...just get into that space and get me that POV...I want you to send it to Client by EOD.
YesPerson:(YesBoss, turns and walks away. YesPerson, puts his head in his hands, and begins spitting into the trash can and cursing the names on the door.)
TrafficPal:YesPerson, I just found out about this new ad we are doing in SellShit magazine and we don't even have a job opened for it. WE NEED CREATIVE AND WE NEED IT NOW!!!!Why didn't you open this job earlier, we are totally backed up right now and I don't know if we can get this out the door?
YesPerson:(pulls up his face, looks at TrafficPal with eyes wide as if he is going to aorta slash someone). Don't worry, I'll go get CreativeBaby to do it.
YesPerson jumps out of his seat, looks at the clock and notices it is 3pm. End of day is 2 hours and there is no input in sight for this ad. He walks to the door, makes a right and heads to CreativeCall's office. It's his first stop because afterwards he needs to go to MediaLacky and get a POV for an publication we have already committed space in
YesPerson continues down hallway.
This scene will establish this agency's environment as chaotic, hectic and generally disorganized. YesPerson walks down the hallway, making their way to what appears to the fourth-fifth office in corridor. As they walk, we see a job-bag fly out of one office into another, the sound of a door being slammed follows. SFX, Glass shatters in the background. Soft crying is overheard by YesPerson, YesPerson acknowledges it but continues walking forward. YesPerson approaches the door to HeadCreativeBaby. A soft and subtle rap on HeadCreativeBaby's Door
YesPerson:( Knocks on door )Hey man.
HeadCreativeBaby:I gotta get outta here, need a drink, meeting up with that one (person of any gender, attractive, and relatively know as
a flirt and easy ), can't talk right now.–Wanna go?
YesPerson:Oh, hell ya–er, no, can't. ( Dramitca pause, eyes meet eyes )
SHOT: HeadCreativeCall finally notices the job bag in YesPerson's hand.
HeadCreativeBaby:–wtf is that?
YesPerson:(immediately strikes a stern and straight pose, obviously he was prepared for the surprise and aggression)Dude, it's a job! It's gotta be done today.
HeadCreativeBaby:Jesus christ, don't you ever have any idea what is going on??? It's 3:30 and (girl/guy who flirts and is easy) wants me to give them a ride home...plus, I don't work on that account. I am totally double billing this job.
YesPerson:Dude, I got screwed over by YesBoss and ClientY and now its a big cluster to see who can blame who if this fails....and you will never guess who is in the running for that award!
HeadCreativeBaby: Whatever, what the hell is the project...is it some shitty resize, cuz if it is, you better go hit up Production.
YesPerson:It's simple, just some minor tweaks. All you gotta do is take the full page ad we have and......
(Sounds of their conversation trail off into the background, a couple yells and the smash of a coffee mug...we pick up with MediaLacky walking by catching the tail end of their conversation...something about winning the Silver Addy in '97 for a great creative duratran. MediaLacky turns to EzReceptionist, with a big smile and begins convesation)
MediaLacky:What the hell do those kids do all day. I mean, it's not like its hard. YesPerson walks around all day making sure everyone else is doing their job... and HeadCreativeBaby sits there staring at the interns, screaming about some award he won in'97. Christ, the client tells them what to do...what's so hard about that.
YesPerson is seen from MediaLacky's POV in CreativeCalls office. YesPerson ducks abruptly. A job bag flies out the door, followed by another loud sound. Cursing is faintly heard. MediaLacky continues conversation with EzReceptionist.
MediaLacky:Ya know? I mean the stinkin' software does all the work for them anyhow? And YesPerson might as well be an ass-wiper who keeps pooping his finger through the paper. What's the big deal? The last campaign they ran would have never gotten the response it did, had I not placed a Tir-Vision inside the ladies room on each stall door in the stadium with the monogramed toilet paper that spoke the headline when you pulled a piece of TP off!
EzReceptionist:That's not true.
EzReceptionist:It was the intern's campaign anyhow.
MediaLacky:oh, yeah, your right–wh!ch only demonstrates my point further.
EzReceptionist:( endearingly use MediaLacky's name )_____, we all know how hard
you work.(taps hand)
(HeadCreativeBaby enters scene--He walks past MediaLacky and EzReceptionist's desk.)
HeadCreativeBaby:WTF are you looking at! ( continues walking quickly )
EzReceptionist:(whispers to MediaLacky )that's–so hot.
MediaLacky:What a deuschbag.
(SeniorDeadweight enters scene-)
SeniorDeadweight:Hey you two, how are you?
(SeniorDeadweight has all ready begun walking away from both people )
MediaLacky:Good, lost my pancreas today.
SeniorDeadweight:That's all right, you'll find another one, we always do.
MediaLacky:(gives finger indiscreetly by rubbing nose)
(Receptionist's phone rings, it's YesPerson)
EzReceptionist:Hello, this is EzReceptionist!
YesPerson:How is my favorite person doing today, you, Seriously, ever since I got promoted we don't talk as much, but hey, were talking now aren't we?
(YesPerson begins to laugh lightly then realizes there is dead silence on the other end. A little startled he gets to his point)
YesPerson:...so, anyway, I haven't seen that waste of $26k a year MediaLacky around anywhere...I swear to G-d I think she was a effing freelancer if I didn't know any better. But then again, it's Media, working till 9-5 they might as well be freelancers. Anyway, have you see her?
EzReceptionist:Not in the last 7 and a half minutes, which is oddly the last time I saw you walking down the same hall.
YesPerson:Oh that's right. Anyway, I gave her a hot project which is probably why she isn't anwering her phone. Sent a couple emails too but she must be really at it.
EzReceptionish:(Condecending)Yea, that's gotta be it.
YesPerson:Anyway, can you page her for me.
EzReceptionist:Hold on...it's the other line
YesPerson:But this is...(EzReceptionist clicks over)
MediaLacky:Smoke break 5 minutes.
EzReceptionist:Jesus Christ I think YesPerson might be slightly retarded....not even joking but really retarded.
Ezreceptionist:Eff all, meet you out back in 5 seconds.
(Clicks back on the other line)
Ezreceptionist:Yeah, I'll give her a page in a second.
YesPerson:You are the...
(Phone goes dead. Phones are ringing off the hook. EzReceptionist gets up and walks away from the desk, around the back hallway and exits out the door leaving the doorway to FEDUP Agency empty. Ezreceptionist and MeidaLacky meet up in the designated smoking area)
MediaLacky:So get this, the space closed all ready for SellShit. YesPerson is going to be hear late explaining this one. I heard the client sent him an email earlier today and they dropped the ball. apparently YesBoss has been on there ass all day.
EzReceptionist:Haha, YesPrick will love that. He was just looking for you. Let me be the one to tell CreativeCallBaby, we were supposed to be leaving at 3:30. Our Plans are back on for happy hour!
MediaLacky:Is that right?
EzReceptionist:Yeah. CreativeCallBaby has been here almost five months, it's about time.
MediaLacky:You know CreativeCall spent last night with Jr. Naive and there roomates?
EzReceptionist:( takes a long pull from the cig and exhales)
MediaLacky:Came in an hour late today.
EzReceptionist:Where does Jr. Naive sit again
MediaLacky:Right behind DrinkingWordsmith
EzReceptionist:I'm going to invite them out again tonight.
MediaLacky:I love it. I've gotta go email YesPerson. Call me later.
(EzReceptionist puts the cigarette out. They both head back into FEDUP agency.HeadCreativeBaby enters the scene. Heading out the door with a cell phone visible in hand. DisenchantedCD follows slowly behind)
HeadCreativeBaby:(Rushing out the door, he walks in front of a BMW that was speeding out of the parking lot. Brakes screech. CreativeCallBaby looks at the car...shrugs, then walks in front of it. Begins talking in the cell phone)Leaving now, getting drunk don't give a fcuk what else is going on.
(We here a voice on the cell phone, in the background there is screaming)
DrinkingWordsmith:Can't believe 3:30 on a Friday and I got some G-d damn project where they hand me 2 paragraphs of copy and tell me they can only fit 1. Novel idea, ya ready....buy a larger fcuking ad.
HeadCreativeBaby:By the time you realize the call to action can be one sentence and the whole copy about the rooms being 'fit for a king' can be cut I'll be eyeing up a 35 year old twice divorced Real Estate agent on her 3rd Amaretto Sour, looking for someone who understands her...
DrinkingWordsmith:Asshole. If it wasn't Jr. Naive chicks ad I would be smacking the ass of her three times divorced Customer Service Manager friend.(Laughter erupts out of the office and just then, Jr Naive walks by.)Dude, gotta go.(DrinkingWordsmith hangs up the phone and throws a half assed smile at Jr Naive as she is walking in his office)
JrNaive:Hey cutie.(She blinks twice and tilts her head with a 'innocent smile'.) You totally rock by the way. After this I am so buying the first drink at happy hour:)
DrinkingWordsmith:You kidding me, this is nothing. When I use to work in NY at WASHED UP Agency we wouldn't even charge for projects like this.
JrNaive:That's funny. Just talked to YesBoss and apparently we are not charging for this project either....something about a missed email!
DrinkingWordsmith:(Looks down for two seconds, vein bulges out of his forehead. Looks up and smiles)Well look at that....all done. Trust me, the client will love it!
JrNaive:I so owe you! You are the best.
(JrNaieve walks away and DrinkingWordsmith reaches for the phone, dials quickly and then breaks into yell)
DrinkingWordsmith:Eff that bitch. I cut the whole second paragraph and just sent it to her--Just tell me what bar you are at and have a drink waiting for me within 5 minutes!